Cell Block Tango
by Merusa
Summary: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Merry Murderesses of Azkaban’s Death Row...." A parody of Chicago's 'Cell Block Tango'


"Cell Block Tango"  
  
(This is dedicated to every single reviewer of mine. All of you!)  
  
*scene: Six cells are in a row. The cell bars are blood red. Six shadowed women are standing, holding the bars in various poses. A dementor's silhouette passes in front of them, but fades into the dark.  
  
Jail master: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Merry Murderesses of Azkaban's Death Row.... *fades to nothing *  
  
(Lavender)  
  
Pop  
  
(Hermione)  
  
Six  
  
(Ginny)  
  
Squish  
  
(Fleur)  
  
Uh uh  
  
(Padma)  
  
London  
  
(Millicent)  
  
Zabini!  
  
(Lavender)  
  
Pop  
  
(Hermione)  
  
Six  
  
(Ginny)  
  
Squish  
  
(Fleur)  
  
Uh uh  
  
(Padma)  
  
London  
  
(Millicent)  
  
Zabini!  
  
(Lavender)  
  
Pop  
  
(Hermione)  
  
Six  
  
(Ginny)  
  
Squish  
  
(Fleur)  
  
Uh uh  
  
(Padma)  
  
London  
  
(Millicent)  
  
Zabini  
  
(ALL)  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself to blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
(Ginny)  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
(Lavender)  
  
Pop  
  
(Hermione)  
  
Six  
  
(Ginny)  
  
Squish  
  
(Fleur)  
  
Uh uh  
  
(Padma)  
  
London  
  
(Millicent) Zabini!  
  
(Lavendar (Spoken))  
  
You know how people  
  
have these little habits  
  
That get you down. Like Seamus.  
  
Seamus liked to chew gum.  
  
No, not chew. POP.  
  
Well, I came home this one day  
  
And I am really irritated, and  
  
looking for a little sympathy  
  
and there's Seamus layin'  
  
on the hearthrug, drinkin' a beer  
  
and chewin'. No, not chewin'.  
  
Poppin'. So, I said to him,  
  
I said, "Seamus, you pop that  
  
gum one more time..."  
  
and he did.  
  
So I took my wand out of my pocket  
  
and I fired two warning spells...  
  
...into his head.  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself to blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would  
  
Have done the same!  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself to blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would  
  
Have done the same!  
  
(ALL)  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself to blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would  
  
Have done the same!  
  
(Hermione (Spoken))  
  
I met Ezekiel Young from  
  
America about two years ago  
  
and he told me he was single  
  
and we hit it off right away.  
  
So, we started living together.  
  
He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd  
  
mix him a drink, we'd have dinner.  
  
Well, it was like heaven in  
  
two and a half of a flat.  
  
And then I found out,  
  
"Single" he told me?  
  
Single, my arse. Not only  
  
was he married  
  
...oh, no, he had six wives.  
  
One of those Mormons, you know. So that  
  
night, when he came home, I mixed him  
  
his drink as usual.  
  
You know, some guys just can't hold  
  
their Draught of Death.  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself  
  
To blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would  
  
Have done the same  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had himself  
  
to blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would  
  
Have done the same!  
  
(Lavendar, Hermione, Ginny, Millicent]  
  
Hah! He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He took a flower  
  
In its prime  
  
And then he used it  
  
And he abused it  
  
It was a murder  
  
But not a crime!  
  
(Padma and Fleur)  
  
Pop, six, squish, uh-uh  
  
Cicero, Lipschitz  
  
(Ginny (Spoken))  
  
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen  
  
carvin' up the chicken for dinner,  
  
muggle style, for better taste  
  
and in storms my husband Draco,  
  
in a jealous rage.  
  
"You been screwin' Potter!"  
  
he says. He was right!  
  
and he kept screamin',  
  
"you been screwin Potter!"  
  
And then he ran into my knife.  
  
He ran into my knife ten times!  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
Pop,Six,  
  
Squish,Uh-uh,  
  
London,Lipschitz  
  
Pop, Six,  
  
Squish,Uh-uh,  
  
London,Lipschitz  
  
Pop,Six,  
  
Squish,Uh-uh,  
  
London,Lipschitz  
  
(ALL)  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
(Fleur (Spoken)) *indistinguishable French*  
  
(Ginny (Spoken))  
  
Yeah, but did you do it?  
  
(Fleur)  
  
UH UH, not guilty!  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had  
  
Himself to blame.  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it tricks in a row,  
  
one,two,three,  
  
I betcha  
  
You would  
  
Have done  
  
The same!  
  
He had  
  
It coming  
  
He had it coming...  
  
(Padma)  
  
My sister, Parvati and  
  
I did this double act  
  
and my husband, Dean,  
  
used to travel round with us.  
  
Now, for the last number in  
  
our act, we did these 20 acrobatic  
  
four,five...splits, spread eagles,  
  
back flips,flip flops,  
  
one right after the other.  
  
Well, this one night we were in London,  
  
the three of us, sittin' up  
  
in a hotel room, boozin' and  
  
havin' a few laughs and  
  
we ran out of ice.  
  
So I went out to get some.  
  
I come back, open the door  
  
and there's Parvati and  
  
Dean doing Number Seventeen-  
  
the spread eagle.  
  
Well, I was in such a state of shock,  
  
I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.  
  
It wasn't until later,  
  
when I was washing the blood off my wand  
  
I even knew they were dead.  
  
(Padma)  
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming  
  
They had it coming all along  
  
I didn't do it  
  
But if I'd done it  
  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?  
  
(Padma)  
  
They had it coming  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
They had it coming  
  
(Padma)  
  
They had it coming  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
They had it coming  
  
(Padma)  
  
They had it coming  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
They took a flower  
  
(Padma)  
  
All along  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
In its prime  
  
(Padma)  
  
I didn't do it  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
And then they used it  
  
(Padma)  
  
But if I'd done it  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
And they abused it  
  
(Padma)  
  
How could you tell me  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
It was a murder  
  
[Padma]  
  
That I was wrong?  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
But not a crime!  
  
(Millicent)  
  
I loved Blaise Zabini  
  
more than I can possibly say.  
  
He was a real artistic guy...  
  
sensitive... a painter.  
  
But he was troubled.  
  
He was always trying  
  
to find himself.  
  
He'd go out every night  
  
looking for himself  
  
and on the way  
  
he found Celestina,  
  
Gladys,  
  
Rosemary and Jack.  
  
I guess you can say we broke  
  
up because our artistic differences.  
  
He saw himself as alive  
  
and I saw him dead.  
  
(GIRLS)  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had  
  
Himself to blame  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha  
  
You would  
  
Have done  
  
The same!  
  
(ALL)  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
  
(Lavender, Hermione, Millicent)  
  
They had it comin'  
  
(Padma, Ginny, Fleur)  
  
They had it comin'  
  
(Lavender, Hermione, Millicent)  
  
They had it comin'  
  
(Padma, Ginny, Fleur)  
  
They had it comin'  
  
(Lavender, Hermione, Millicent)  
  
They had it comin'  
  
(Padma, Ginny, Fleur)  
  
They had it comin'  
  
(Lavender, Hermione, Millicent)  
  
All along  
  
(Padma, Ginny, Fleur)  
  
All along  
  
'Cause if they used us  
  
'Cause if they used us And they abused us  
  
And they abused us  
  
(Lavender, Hermione, Millicent)  
  
How could you tell us  
  
(Padma, Ginny, Fleur)  
  
How could you tell us That we were wrong?  
  
That we were wrong?  
  
He had it coming  
  
He had it coming  
  
He only had  
  
Himself  
  
To blame.  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha  
  
You would  
  
Have done  
  
The same!  
  
(Lavendar (Spoken))  
  
You pop that gum one more time!  
  
(Hermione (spoken))  
  
Single my ass.  
  
(Ginny (Spoken))  
  
Ten times!  
  
(Fleur (Spoken))  
  
*indistinguishable French*  
  
(Padma (Spoken))  
  
Number seventeen-the spread eagle.  
  
(Millicent (Spoken))  
  
Artistic differences.  
  
(ALL)  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
*fade to dark* 


End file.
